Dear Diary

Fucked up mood I am not able to cry that's a new thing. Okay let's be honest how much time it takes to reply or check a message...like they say nobody is that busy that they can't reply once. I don't want to think but it's just pushing me to think. Why can't I be at ease atleast once in relationship... atleast once I wanna feel like smbdy actually care for me rather making me just wait like all the time I don't mind waiting but everytime everyday I am just waiting Bare minimum is that all people have to offer. Let's talk about it  Non negotiable terms Communication Understanding feelings Reassuring me until I believe it Take interest in eachother's life Intitate for meets  Don't disappear on eachother I know what this is...which is why it is hurting this much This is a pattern of ghosting isn't it. Say it on my face you don't wanna see me...you are not sure now...you have second thoughts about me...whatever we spoke shared all this time t

Thanks to my stupidity n anxiety I messed up my things with him I respect his feelings but now it all feels like I said things which made him feel b

Shikha you are 35 now wow can't believe you came this long way. Are you happy now? Did you get peace of mind? I hope you do.i manifest that you are in your new job and doing good...you moved out and living a different life now. It's not a big deal to turn 35 so don't think your old You are wiser now

Today I am just flowing with emotions, to be precise I cried for an hour and it's been a while that I cried so I thought if I feel like crying then I should just go ahead n cry as much as I want. At times I feel like I lost something or like somebody died...I don't know how does it feel to loose someone but may be its like this. Somebody died who never existed at first place. Death is a full stop. A fullstop that can be put anytime or any moment. I am not suicidal. I am just in this weird state of mind where I don't know how to feel. I am a widow who lost her husband who never existed. A widow who cries time to time when she realises her partner died. I can't even wait to die n meet him because he doesn't exist even in afterlife but surely I loved him so much. I miss him everyday, I miss his touch, I miss holding his hand and I miss looking at him n I miss the love he has for me. I miss our home where he waits for me. I wish you existed that I atleast felt ur presen

I can’t even open my eyes this morning I’m praying for my tired self I put on yesterday that I look off last night And another day comforts me Without change, everyone’s going to the same place Like clock hands turning without a sound Endlessly on top of that path A single dot passes by when my day comes to an end I’m used to laying down my hopes Excuses indifferently stacking up It sculpts me who resembles the world As I deeply bury everything in my heart The red sunset Makes my shadow harden As I endure through each hard day Will I get closer to my hopeful dreams? Have the lonely nights stopped? The rainbow has appeared again Without change, everyone’s going to the same place Like clock hands turning without a sound Endlessly on top of that path A single dot passes by when my day comes to an end Again today, I’m chasing rainbows

So It's your birthday today and I am seeing you growing everyday n every year n it's so assuring that you are becoming best version of you everyday,I don't know if I send this to you on your birthday but If I do then know that I cried so much while writing this to you,you are my strength n smtimes a reason to live on without loosing my shitt...you are so so important to me I can't tell you,there are times I meet you to just see your face so that I feel good about what I have in life,your friendship made me realise hell lot of a thing and I am also growing with you,you teach me alot n I am always greatful that I found you,don't ever misunderstand me in life when it comes to our friendship just ask me okay...always be happy and healthy that's all I want from you...I just thought I should leave you a letter every year starting this year just to say things I usually don't. You know most of it but I said it anyway, love you forever n happy birthday 🥳