Mood check Saturday

Fucked up mood

I am not able to cry that's a new thing.

Okay let's be honest how much time it takes to reply or check a message...like they say nobody is that busy that they can't reply once.

I don't want to think but it's just pushing me to think.

Why can't I be at ease atleast once in relationship... atleast once I wanna feel like smbdy actually care for me rather making me just wait like all the time

I don't mind waiting but everytime everyday

I am just waiting

Bare minimum is that all people have to offer.

Let's talk about it 

Non negotiable terms

Communication

Understanding feelings

Reassuring me until I believe it

Take interest in eachother's life

Intitate for meets 

Don't disappear on eachother

I know what this is...which is why it is hurting this much

This is a pattern of ghosting isn't it.

Say it on my face you don't wanna see me...you are not sure now...you have second thoughts about me...whatever we spoke shared all this time that is all gone just because I have asked you if you feel the same still for me again n again...I did joked around before which you took  seriously n then when I asked on message that killed it all right...

Above everything I am still the same person who loves you...

I know it does not make sense as I have not spent much time with you n that counts ofcourse like feelings are real or not....feelings are feelings either it's yours or mine.

You felt bad I know n I am sorry for it but I want to change that n I want to shower more love if it's not changing but if you ignore me then how will I do it...did you tried to understand why I needed repeatedly reassurance... people have abandonment issues, separation issues and relationship anxieties n I do have it all which I why I am writing to you madly...may be that freaked you out no....she is a overthinker..

Everything is overwhelming for her n then she react like this...to much of work with her...I can't deal with this..

Is it this?

Then I can understand it all I won't ask you to love me anymore...it's too much I know.

I never claimed to be perfect n ofcourse I am not...I fuck up things too 

If I love you I should not feel insulted of my feelings now...Its like I am begging you to talk to me...n if not than you made me feel this terrible just now.

Is it just your feelings that can get hurt and you can't hurt me at all 

I asked you so many times of your feelings that's my fault right that I asked so many times...that is mostly because you never reply to my I love you or mostly change the topic..or take hours to reply...this is Because my message my presence has no affect on you...I can't stop myself from replying right away....why because I think about you all the time yes I overthink yesss I do...I have never found love the real one... nobody wants to put efforts...efforts to tell me you matter...I think about you alot...you make me happy...n all of this is not a one time saying thing...

You think saying it just once is enough n it's done for later.

I'll tell you why I love you the most important question...

you did not push me for anything n you accepted me as I am I thought so atleast...you kissed me that too was gentle n not even touched at all. treated me like a person...I felt the love with that gesture...don't you get it.

I have super busy schedule too n still on top of my mind is always you...is he awake...should i msg..should I ask what are you doing or just drop a hi just to be in touch in between....I like his messages  when I am working or doing anything so he might like mine too...bass yahi socha tha.

N I think aise ro roke ankhey sujaney ka koi fayda nhi hai...koi nhi aa rha baat karne ya kuch thik karne...it will be this way n hurt like this only.

And I know after this msg you won't talk...

I won't talk even I knw as I cried so much n that happened now I am embarrassed to death...I am still dying to talk n I will feel the same everyday but I won't talk anymore...I'll work hard n shutt my emotions to you...

That's why love is so scary...it just ruins everything...

I would have just stayed quite n not shared my feeling at first place...I will never share my feelings....it's just hurtful...

You said I fucked up yet I tried to make it up to you....today you fucked up in multiples n you are not even willing to sort out...

I have patience for everything but not ignorance...you ignored me like anything even if you knew that made me anxious all the time...

I have given you enough reason to block me go ahead...

I know why people show such behaviours towards other...don't say you like someone if you can't be there for them when they really need you...it's not difficult to be there for someone...

N yes I am not sorry for sharing that I love you

No regrets I tried 

I'll take time to recover but eventually I will I think.